Can you love others if you don't love yourself?
I titled my blog "love leads the way", based on a line from Bishop Michael Curry's Royal Wedding homily. I chose that because I think it encapsulates what I want to do with my own ministry, whatever shape that may take: even if the way forward is crooked, winding, or even scary, if I lead with love then I can face whatever challenges may come up. Here's the thing though: as much love as I have for people in my life, for God, for creation, etc., there is one person who at times I have a hard time loving. That person is me.
I've gotten better at loving myself over the years, it's true. I've come a long way from when I was a self-loathing, insecure teenager (thank God!). But a little of that self-loathing teen is still inside of me, and likes to come out when I say something awkward or dumb, or make a mistake. What's worse is when I don't know how to accept good things in my life: love, kindness, compliments, without thinking it seems suspicious or wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Sometimes, when people love me, I can't help but wonder why.
There's a phrase that I've heard a lot over the years, and which has inspired a lot of conversation among my friends too: "In order to truly love others, you must first love yourself." There's variation in the wording but the basic idea is the same - you have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. And according to a lot of people I've talked to over the years, that's not exactly true. When I first began thinking about writing on this subject on my blog, I decided to pose the question (do you agree or disagree with that statement) to my Facebook friends and collect responses. Here's a few:
" I dont think you can love another person fully, joyfully until you're able to at least accept yourself. I also think that for many people the hardest thing about "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" is the loving yourself part."
" I disagree with it because I have so much love for my family and friends and so little for myself honestly"
" I disagree. But I do feel you can't allow others to love you if first you don't love yourself."
"I disagree with it. For me, the opposite has been true in my life. When I was at my lowest, most self-destructive and -loathing point, it was my love for my friends that coached me on how enjoy moments of happiness and feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to be a person who was pleasant to be around for other people, so I learned the skills necessary to do that. I think it is totally possible to be in authentic, mutually-enjoyable relationships while struggling with your own self-worth."
"yes, because love begins with acceptance"
When I first discussed this idea with my boyfriend Alex, I told him how I feel about it: "I think you can learn to love by being loved. I don't always love myself but the more I'm around loving people it helps. And then that makes my love for other people stronger I think." Another person who responded to my question said "loving yourself doesn't mean loving everything about yourself." I think that is very true. We're all made up of good and bad, light and dark. I don't have to love my faults, but I think I do have to accept that I have them and not beat myself up over them. Which I think I've been accomplishing more and more the older I get, by the way.
For those people I know who shower others with love while not having much love for themselves, I have to say: I think you're some of the bravest and most generously loving people I know. I hope that over time, you learn to have some of that love for yourself. I got a couple more responses that I found particularly inspiring that I'm going to share now:
You can love others and not yourself; the idea should not be that one requires the other, but that both are equally important and we need to work as hard to love ourselves as we work to love others, including the ability to forgive ourselves, to be patient with ourselves, and to not beat ourselves down.
The Love we are talking about, however, is bigger than just a motivational mirror speech. It is seeing past/through the things we judge ourselves for, the mistakes (missed-takes), the slips, the “flaws.” It is the Love that comes from remembering who we truly are - divinely, individually created. From that place, we can See and Love others. It’s not a judgment or punishment game. If we can even learn to “like” ourselves, we are getting closer than most!
What I really love about that last response is the idea of love being a "flow". There may be days when our ocean of love is at low tide, and those days might be the ones in which we need all the more to receive that flow from others. But the more that you have within you, the more you are able to send out. It's less of a dualistic, either/or situation, and more of an energy that flows like water.
So I'm going to keep working at allowing love to flow into me, that I can then send back out in even bigger waves. And if you struggle with loving yourself, know you're not alone, and you're not unable to love others just because of that struggle.
I've gotten better at loving myself over the years, it's true. I've come a long way from when I was a self-loathing, insecure teenager (thank God!). But a little of that self-loathing teen is still inside of me, and likes to come out when I say something awkward or dumb, or make a mistake. What's worse is when I don't know how to accept good things in my life: love, kindness, compliments, without thinking it seems suspicious or wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Sometimes, when people love me, I can't help but wonder why.
There's a phrase that I've heard a lot over the years, and which has inspired a lot of conversation among my friends too: "In order to truly love others, you must first love yourself." There's variation in the wording but the basic idea is the same - you have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. And according to a lot of people I've talked to over the years, that's not exactly true. When I first began thinking about writing on this subject on my blog, I decided to pose the question (do you agree or disagree with that statement) to my Facebook friends and collect responses. Here's a few:
" I dont think you can love another person fully, joyfully until you're able to at least accept yourself. I also think that for many people the hardest thing about "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" is the loving yourself part."
" I disagree with it because I have so much love for my family and friends and so little for myself honestly"
" I disagree. But I do feel you can't allow others to love you if first you don't love yourself."
"I disagree with it. For me, the opposite has been true in my life. When I was at my lowest, most self-destructive and -loathing point, it was my love for my friends that coached me on how enjoy moments of happiness and feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to be a person who was pleasant to be around for other people, so I learned the skills necessary to do that. I think it is totally possible to be in authentic, mutually-enjoyable relationships while struggling with your own self-worth."
"yes, because love begins with acceptance"
When I first discussed this idea with my boyfriend Alex, I told him how I feel about it: "I think you can learn to love by being loved. I don't always love myself but the more I'm around loving people it helps. And then that makes my love for other people stronger I think." Another person who responded to my question said "loving yourself doesn't mean loving everything about yourself." I think that is very true. We're all made up of good and bad, light and dark. I don't have to love my faults, but I think I do have to accept that I have them and not beat myself up over them. Which I think I've been accomplishing more and more the older I get, by the way.
For those people I know who shower others with love while not having much love for themselves, I have to say: I think you're some of the bravest and most generously loving people I know. I hope that over time, you learn to have some of that love for yourself. I got a couple more responses that I found particularly inspiring that I'm going to share now:
You can love others and not yourself; the idea should not be that one requires the other, but that both are equally important and we need to work as hard to love ourselves as we work to love others, including the ability to forgive ourselves, to be patient with ourselves, and to not beat ourselves down.
The Love we are talking about, however, is bigger than just a motivational mirror speech. It is seeing past/through the things we judge ourselves for, the mistakes (missed-takes), the slips, the “flaws.” It is the Love that comes from remembering who we truly are - divinely, individually created. From that place, we can See and Love others. It’s not a judgment or punishment game. If we can even learn to “like” ourselves, we are getting closer than most!
But this may be my favorite of the responses I received:
So in the essence of love where do you end and the other begin. It is an ever flowing tidal ocean of give receive give receive. You are always both the giver and receiver because you in you essence are the big Love. For me I wonder if it is more that we allow compassion to flow towards us equally as towards what we perceive as other. In my life when I allowed the living light of compassion to shine equally towards myself then I had more abundant light and live to share
What I really love about that last response is the idea of love being a "flow". There may be days when our ocean of love is at low tide, and those days might be the ones in which we need all the more to receive that flow from others. But the more that you have within you, the more you are able to send out. It's less of a dualistic, either/or situation, and more of an energy that flows like water.
So I'm going to keep working at allowing love to flow into me, that I can then send back out in even bigger waves. And if you struggle with loving yourself, know you're not alone, and you're not unable to love others just because of that struggle.
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