Disquieted Within Me

The most frustrating thing about having depression is that there is literally no reason, most of the time, why I start to feel like I'm falling into that pit of despair.  Sunday felt like a textbook example.  I had a lovely (and busy) morning at church, preparing for a celebration for our newly ordained deacon, Dan.  After we finished with the feast and cleaned up, I went out to my car in the pouring rain (if you are in Ohio you know just how much we've been dealing with THAT lately), and I just felt like there was a storm cloud rolling into my brain.

When you feel those storm clouds beginning to roll in, there's not much you can do.  I can think to myself "oh no, come on, I was just fine a few minutes ago!" before that kind of rational thought blows away like leaves in the gale.  Then all I want to do is lay in bed, isolate myself, and do nothing - which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse.  Because I'm not doing anything "constructive".  Because I know that being with people would probably improve my mood, but I can't get up the energy to deal with them.  

Detail from "The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters" by Francisco Goya

One of the most helpful things I've learned in the past few years of dealing with depression is to think of it as a chronic illness.  Sometimes I get "depression flare-ups", not unlike what people with arthritis, fibromyalgia, or chronic fatigue syndrome experience from time to time.  Thinking of it this way feels so much better than blaming myself or trying to wrack my memories for what could have possibly gone wrong to get me to feel so down.  Sometimes, there's no outside influence to blame.  I just have this thing with my brain chemistry, and I have to take care of it.  

I did end up feeling better after spending time with my significant other, going out to dinner at a restaurant I'd always wanted to try and having some quality time alone together.  One of the things I have to do sometimes, going against the grain of what my depression mind wants, is to force myself to do what I know will be good for me.  I may feel like staying in sweatpants in front of the TV, but getting dressed in nicer clothes and going out will make me feel better in the long run.  I may feel like talking to people is just "too much", but once I actually do, it takes my mind off of self-loathing.  Touch is healing, too.  Being able to cuddle with someone, hug someone, hold hands, whatever... it really does seem to have some kind of serotonin-releasing effect.  

Another way that I am able to combat depression is through faith.  Mindfulness meditation is proven to be helpful with depression, and it's practiced by many people who have no religious affiliation.  For me, to spend some time in contemplative prayer or lectio divina is often very healing when I'm depressed.  This morning I read Psalm 42 & 43, and among the many lines that jumped out at me was Ps 43:5 - "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God."  This was a reminder that those storm clouds will eventually subside.  They're still around, but they're lessening.  And sooner or later, they will be gone.  I've said before that I feel God communicates with me through words most often, whether they are spoken by people I encounter, or printed in books.  Reading the printed words in the Psalms is a wonderful reminder that for thousands of years, people who have struggled with all kinds of grief and sadness have cried out to God and found comfort.

I started writing this post three days ago.  I'm still in the middle of this "flare-up".  I've had moments of relief, but then the feeling of being pulled into the black hole comes back.  I'm functioning, which is why nobody on the outside would be able to tell that I'm having a problem right now.  I am usually able to get out of bed, care for myself, go to work, etc when I'm in a funk like this... which is why it probably takes people by surprise when I'm irritable or don't want to talk or do anything.  I'm grateful I can be functional when I'm depressed but it also feels like I'm "faking it til I make it", wondering when I'm finally going to "make it" and start to feel better.  I know I will eventually, but in the meantime... it feels like I'm fighting off those monsters that come from "the sleep of reason".