Just Say No

"How many of you have trouble saying 'No'?"

Every one of us shifted uncomfortably in our seats.

A couple nights ago, I was at an Empath's Discussion Circle at the Hildegarden.  Those of us who have empathic/highly sensitive tendencies often have trouble with making "No" a complete sentence, and that was one of the things we talked about.  For my part, I often feel guilty saying no to things.  I feel like I'm letting people down.  Sometimes, I worry that if I don't do something, then no one else will.  But, in order to have healthy boundaries, you have to learn to say no. 

I think I've developed a bit of an addiction to being busy.  This was quite apparent to me on retreat, as I mentioned in my previous post.  The thing is, we live in a culture that glorifies busy.  We are so obsessed with being "productive", that we often feel guilty when we have any kind of down time.  I remember reading an article a few months ago about how Americans take the least amount of vacation time that they are eligible for of all industrialized nations.  Even on vacation, it's hard to stay away from phone calls and email. 

By now I think everyone who reads my blog knows that I am discerning a call to be an Episcopal priest.  So obviously, I'm really involved with church stuff.  Even before I felt that call I was really involved, to be honest.  For a lot of the ministries I'm involved in, this is how I got started: someone came up to me and said "You know, we think you'd be really good at (insert committee here)".  Now, that's not a bad thing.  For example, I was asked to be the youth group leader.  I wouldn't have chosen that position on my own.  But I've really grown to love it; I love the kids, I love planning projects for them, I love going to events with them.  They are so kind and funny and passionate about making the world a better place; I think the next generation is in great hands.  Sometimes people discern things for you, that you would be good at something you never imagined.  I wouldn't be going through the discernment process right now if that hadn't happened to me!

Other times though, you have to know when to say no to stuff.  I was trying to put together a team to do the community meal this past Sunday due to another team dropping out, and at first I wasn't hearing too many responses.  I thought I might have to stay and help even though I had plans to be with friends that day.  I was willing to do it if needed, but I wouldn't have been thrilled.  It looked like I was going to be able to leave with enough volunteers in place after all, and so I left.  I got a text from somebody asking if I was going to stay.  Immediately I went into panic mode - oh no I should stay! They need me!  What will they think if I don't help out??  Sending a text back to say "No" was difficult.  I felt horrible.  But they weren't upset with me, they had enough help.  The whole conflict really was within me.

When I was on retreat, I had a chance to read a little of a book that has been on my "to-read" list for a while: The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel.  I wish I'd been able to read more of it but I didn't find it until my last day.  However, in the opening chapter I read a line that I thought was incredibly profound:  “The higher goal of spiritual living is not to amass a wealth of information, but to face sacred moments.” 

In my very first post, I talked about minimalism, and one thing that I mentioned was being minimal about the things I put into my brain.  I LOVE to read, but sometimes I think I overwhelm myself with information because I get 5 different books going and never end up finishing any of them (that whole addiction to being busy keeps me always on the lookout for new information).  This line from Heschel reminded me that in the end, God doesn't care how much theology I've learned, as much as he/she cares that I spend time with him/her.  And as much as I love my church and doing all the things I do to maintain it and try to help it grow, the thing I love most is being in worship and forgetting about what needs to be done, and simply praising God together with all these people I love. 

This is a handmade cross-stitch challah cover that my good friend Emma Kuehnbaum received from her talented friend Matt McLauchlin stitched from a pattern by Nancy Rossi for Kooler Design Studio.

"Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" means we need to pause, and not let the busy-ness of our culture sweep us away.  Even when it comes to God, we can get so busy we forget to just be still and be in God's presence.  After all, there is a lot of work to do in this broken world.  But we need to rest and replenish ourselves, and know our limits.  A favorite saying I learned about self-care is "You can't pour from an empty cup."  You're no good to try and help anybody if you are running on empty.  

So, it's ok to say no sometimes.  To replenish your energy (your "spoons", as those with chronic illness might say), you have to know when to say no.  This is true for everyone, no matter what your beliefs.